Finding a place to start is not an easy thing to do. In my heart I would say it began with the thought "This is not who I am". This is not who I choose to be. I choose to be love, light and energy. I choose to lead others to themselves. In my mind's eye I could see myself doing many things to cause me to be love, light and energy. However, I found it hard to see myself being love, light and energy.

One day I was meditating and I heard the voice of the Goddess say it was time to begin. I, being the all knowing being I am, said, "What the hell was that?" She softly spoke her words again. "It is time to begin." I came to realize that it was time to stop fighting myself and start being the woman I knew myself to be. I found myself quitting my job and writing what I thought was to be a book about knowing myself to be so much more than what I project to the world. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about God, the Goddess, self discovery, personal wealth, writing, teaching, learning. Basically, I began doing many things in order to be love, light and energy.

In a moment of being instead of doing, I called the Recreation Foundation and tried to schedule myself into the Empowerment workshop. The phones were not in service. I called for days and the phones were still not in service. I wrote a long angry letter to Recreation begging them to help me, telling them I had to be at that place at that time. I felt I was out of my mind. I finished writing and cried for days. Then I just picked up the phone and called. I was able to get through. They told me they had never had a problem with their phones, and from that moment on it all fell into place. I had a hard time getting the money for airline tickets. A friend purchased them and allowed me to pay her back. It was time for me to go and I had no money. We are talking no money to cover the hotel and zero cash. I canceled my rental car, moved to a closer, cheaper hotel, and was in great fear about going! The day before I left a friend of mine took me to lunch and gave me a loan for $200.00 so I could eat in LA.

By the time I got to California I just did not care any more. I was tired. The hotel was old. It needed paint. This was not the kind of place I would normally stay. I was not love. I was not light and I couldn't even find energy. All I could see was the $1500.00 debt I had created in order to be in this place. What the hell was wrong with me any way? Who did I think I was to take the last of my money and travel from New York to Los Angeles to hear some guy tell me things I thought I already knew? Once again I questioned my sanity.

However, I was faking it everywhere. I told my husband "isn't this great?". I went walking in the rain to get food, saying "it beats snow." I was cold, wet, and lying all the way. I wanted sunshine. I wanted more cash. I wanted a rental car. I wanted a nice hotel. I wanted it all NOW.

Friday morning was chilly but the sun was out and we spent the day resting, checking out the area and eating at places along Third Street. It had been a long time since I have seen a homeless person. I had forgotten what it does to my heart. Homeless people were everywhere. They walked around the city like the pigeons. They did not beg. they did not speak to me, they were just a part of the city. I watched as people walked by, not seeing them, not caring to see them. It opened up a deep sadness within my heart. My room and the limits of my cash no longer seemed important.

The first day of Empowerment week was very nice. Neale Donald Walsch is a strong and humorous speaker. Wonderful music was performed and it made my heart feel light to be there. People spoke nicely with each other and the energy was very welcoming.

When the day ended my spirits had been lifted. I got to visit with Sherri from my on-line study group and I was very happy to meet her. She is a bright and loving light and was a very busy woman. We tried to connect at the hotel but it was late and I was tired. I took care of myself by returning to my motel room for some much needed rest.

Saturday at Empowerment was moving. Neale spoke, as did Reverend Linda and Eddie. People were asked to come forward and share what had caused them to read the book and how it had changed them. I thought about it awhile and decided to go and speak. Just as it was my turn we broke for lunch and I was told that I would be the first one to speak when we returned. I left quickly and went to lunch. I wanted to make sure I was back in time to speak.

True to their promise I was the first to speak and I told them about my friend (guardian Angel) who loaned me CWG Book 1 to help me explain my beliefs about right and wrong to a class. I also told them I had been told it was "time to begin" and I did not know what that meant. I spoke with the Goddess, she said "You Know." I spoke with my friend, she said "You know." As I stood there, I did know. I said I do know I am here to help others to move through their fear. I thanked everyone for being there to share in my oneness.

Later that night, after hearing others' stories and hearing Neale speak again on abundance, I felt wonderful. I felt grateful for what I did have. The last thing he said was "When you know you are abundance you will give the last dollar in your pocket because you will know you will always have enough." I took it into my mind with a great hunger. My mind really could wrap itself around this plan. Then I walked to the 3rd Street promenade where it was cold and raining. I saw an old woman with a sign which said "Help me please." She looked me in the eyes and asked me again "Help me please." I looked at her, looked away, and walked away.

With each step I took I realized I was not being who I knew myself to be. I walked for three blocks, then just stopped. I told my husband Don, "I cannot do this. This is not who I am." He asked me if I wanted to go back and find her. We went back and tried. We walked all the way back. She was nowhere to be found. Homeless people were everywhere. I wanted to find her. I wanted to help her. I met a homeless man. We smiled at each other and exchanged greetings. I walked on past him and kept looking for the woman. When I realized I would not find her I walked back and found the man with the nice smile. I walked up to him, gave him all the money I had and thanked him. He said "You're welcome" and we parted.

All that night and into the next morning I felt great sadness. Not for the homeless woman, but for myself. For not allowing myself to be who I knew myself to be. I did not feel shame. I did not feel pity. I felt sad, so very sad. When I went to Empowerment that day we started with a meditation. Once again I felt the tears rolling from my eyes. When they asked if anyone wanted to share, I raised my hand but was never chosen to speak.

Later we did an exercise where we asked a question of God and then closed our eyes and let the answer come. I asked, "How do I stop the pain in the left side of my body?" We were told to write our question on paper and ask it three times before we were finished. In the end I wrote; "Know that you can. Know, Know, Know. It is not your pain, let me carry it." Once again the tears rolled from my eyes. Once again I raised my hand to share. People everywhere were chosen to speak. The two people to my right where chosen. Then the runner took the microphone from the person on my right and placed it in the hand of the person to my left.

No one was seeing me. I had been sitting all day with tears running down my face and no one noticed. No one cared.

When we broke for lunch I went to speak to Neale. I was the first one there. Another woman arrived wanting a book to be autographed and I told her to go ahead. Then someone from Neale's staff asked to speak with him. He told me he had to talk to her and moved away. I waited. As I stood waiting, another woman walked up and Neale spoke with her for a while too. I continued to wait.

Finally Neale returned to me and said "I have to go to lunch now but walk out with me." My heart felt as if it was breaking. I was so sad I could barely speak. I asked Neale, "How do you know?" He replied, "How do you know what?" I asked, "How do you know if what you are doing is right?" He told me that was too big a question to answer for just me and he would like me ask it for the group when we returned.

I did not think I could get to my motel. I was ready to fall to the ground. I sat in a chair and wept. Then I met my husband and finally returned to my room where I was engulfed by the sadness.

By the time I returned from lunch I had shed enough tears. So when Neale asked me to repeat my question, I did it without feeling. I was numb. He was answering and I thought I was getting the answer I was looking for. Truthfully, I have no idea what he was saying. I do know that I was not feeling it.

At that moment something inside me snapped. I said, "But how do you know? I need to know how do you know what choice to make? How do you know it is right?" He looked at me and asked, "What are you having such a hard time with? What do you have to decide between?" I said, "I have to decide between living in fear or coming out and being the magnificent person I know myself to be." Well, if any of you have ever met Neale, you can guess what came next. He laughed at my statement. He said, "That is ridiculous. Let me see, be magnificent or live in fear, it's a no-brainer, be magnificent! Question answered, sit down." I said, (as well as a lot of others), "It doesn't feel ridiculous." Neale replied, "Oh, I see. Are you willing to help me demonstrate something here?" I agreed and we began a "So What" dialog.

I would like to give you a word by word account of what was exchanged but I cannot do that nor do I feel it matters. Somewhere in the mist of the interaction it become a conversation between God and God. I no longer heard my voice or Neale's. We had moved to a place I had not been since childhood. A place of spirit. In the end it became so clear that my fear was that there is no God, that I am being taken in by some cosmic con. In truth, does it matter? If it is all a lie, and I spend my life being the most I am capable of being, SO WHAT? What has it cost me? It is not about me. It is about showing up and being all that I am. It was and is a wonderful gift. I am a wonderful gift. We are all wonderful gifts. In that moment I moved from thinking to knowing.

I was able to look at the homeless woman and see that she was there so I might be here, that I might lead others to be who they are. I realized I had set my intent to lead others through fear and by moving through my own I had moved many others through the same fear. When all was said and done, many people from the audience came to me and thanked me for helping them to move past their own fear. I was living my intent. I had placed it into the universe and the universe gave me a way to be the thing I most wanted to be. By giving this gift to the room, I gave it to myself. All I had to do was put my intent out into the universe, show up with an open mind, and be who I am.

In an instant the pain in both my heart and body were completely gone. My heart now knew what my mind could not. I am now able to fully understand that every action is a manifestation of my intent. Even those things I do not understand lead me to the place I choose to be. Many souls show up to be a part of the worlds we create. The homeless woman on the street led me to find the home of my soul.

I could not leave without giving something more to those people on the street. My husband's check had been placed in our account so we had money again. I packed all of the food we had left in the room and headed to the beach to give it to the first homeless person we came across. I added a first aid kit, lotion and some miscellaneous items. Don asked where we should go, I told him to choose. We decided to walk back to 3rd Street. It was my intent to give all we had to the next homeless person I saw. As we turned the corner, the first woman we saw was the woman who I had walked away from. I saw her and gave her all I had to give. She has given us all so much more. This wonderful unseen soul has awakened in so many the Oneness of us all.

Terrie Cashimere is the Spiritual Leader and Director of the Earth2Spirit Center for Empowerment and Discovery. She leads workshops, retreats and seminars and is a LifeSuccess consultant. Terrie is a story teller who shares her own personal journey and spiritual insights straight from the heart with a warm sense of humor and down to earth sensibilities.